Isn’t that scary? Wouldn’t that make you run out of the room in a heartbeat, question your decision to shift, and decide to never come back again? But how many times must new converts feel just this way?

President Gordon B. Hinckley once famously said that every convert needs “a friend, a responsibility, and nurturing with the good word of God.” Isn’t it interesting that out of all of the factors he could have mentioned, the first thing that a convert needs is a friend? I asked three new converts how sincere friendships really help new members stay.

Sincere Friendships Help New Converts Know They’re Not Alone

Cassie was introduced to the Church by her friend Jane. Although it took some time for her to agree to baptism, she already knew that what she was about to do was right. However, there was a little problem: Cassie already had some impressions about Mormons. “I always thought everyone was super rich because whenever I saw them going to church, they always wore really nice clothes. I thought I couldn’t ever blend in.”

Like being in a quantum physics class, our new converts often are afraid of not being able to acquaint themselves with other members. Most of the time, this results to them feeling alone. What do we do to help them overcome this? Let’s reach out to them. Let’s introduce them to other friends and let them know they’re not alone. “I am blessed that I already have one friend in the Church. Jane introduced me to her best friends, and they eventually became my friends, too. Their friendship sustained me through the years of my membership.”

Sincere Friendships Help New Converts Understand the Gospel Better

Isn’t it comforting when someone cares enough to help you understand something that is totally new to you? Imagine how grateful you would be if one of your quantum physics classmates were to approach you and offer to help you with difficult topics? New converts can learn and know the gospel better if they have a friend who is always willing to teach and bear their testimony.

When my best friend, Chaelyn, was baptized into the Church, she needed new convert lessons  as a follow-up to her missionary discussions. Whenever we introduced her to a new lesson, she always asked so many new questions. There were times when she would ask me questions non-stop. Because she had a friend who was willing to help her get to know the gospel better, she was able to understand it more, which helped her stay. What could have happened if she had no one to answer her questions?

Sincere Friendships Help New Converts Look Forward To Sundays

Diana was a new convert that stood out from the rest. One thing that made me notice her immediately was her closeness with the other young single adults. You could really see her eyes glow whenever she got to sit close to her newfound friends. When I asked her how her YSA friends helped her transition in the Church, she quipped “They make me excited for Sundays!”

Imagine how different it would have been if no one had bothered to befriend her. How different would it have been if  she felt alone every Sunday?

Sincere Friendships Help New Converts Feel Less Judged

Conrad is a young man who was recently introduced to the Church. At first, he was quiet and shy and refused to talk at all. He said that he was afraid members would judge him because of his past. Then came Roy. He discovered that Conrad loves drawing manga (Japanese comics) characters, a hobby he also enjoys. He approached Conrad, talked with him about Japanese animes, and the rest was history. Today, Conrad and Roy are inseparable and Conrad has bloomed into an all-around young man in the Church.

Sincere Friendship Help New Members Stay

Indeed, the gospel is simple, and the answer to the question “How can we make new members stay?” is also simple: be their true, sincere friend. May we always remember the reminder from the “For the Strength of Youth” pamphlet:

“Everyone needs good and true friends. They will be a great strength and blessing to you. They will influence how you think and act, and even help determine the person you will become. They will help you be a better person and will make it easier for you to live the gospel of Jesus Christ.”

Whenever we see a new member who’s alone, may we follow the example of the Savior who said “I have called you friends” — be that person’s friend.

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August 29. 2014. I still remember the date. I was 10 weeks pregnant and the excitement that filled my husband and I was indescribable. For the first time, we were going to see and hear the first signs that we were indeed having a baby. But as the doctor conducted the procedure, she gave indications that it was not good news. That’s when we knew that something was wrong.

The words that followed were a blur to me. The babies had not developed well. They were twins, but my body had stopped their development, and I was expected to have a miscarriage. For someone who had always dreamt of becoming a mother, it was a lot to digest, let alone accept. We went home and I cried my heart out to my husband not wanting anyone else to know but he and I. I was far too emotional to hear any advice. I did not want any of that.

Sometimes, we feel that the only way to comfort someone dealing with loss is to give words of advice. I thought words were the best option, too, until I had to experience a painful event. That was when I found 5 other ways to truly help someone who is going through heartbreak.

1.) Listen with Empathy

The same day that I wanted to lock myself in, and stay in bed was the day I realized we had an angel for a neighbor. Out of nowhere, a sister from the ward came to me and asked “How was your check up?” I wasn’t able to explain everything to her because of my tears, but she lovingly welcomed me into her home and let me cry my heart out. That moment I realized that in times of grief, you don’t need a lot of words, you just need someone who will truly listen to you with a desire to understand what you feel instead of telling you how you should feel. During that time, that sister’s hug, listening ear, encouraging smiles, and expressions of love and hope was enough to ease the hurt I was feeling.

The first step to understanding someone’s heart is to first listen, really listen. Let that person know they have a friend whose heart is with them, too. That gesture goes a long way.

2.) Speak when Necessary

The reason why listening is the first step to comforting someone is because when you listen, you understand their situation better, allowing you to know the words that you should speak to bring comfort. The sister who came to me did not speak a lot but her thoughts brought peace to me. A statement like “I may not know how you feel, but I know it’s hard. Please know I am here” can mean a lot.

Also, ask good questions. Good questions, or open-ended inquiry, can help you understand your friend better and can help them know that you are there for them. Improveyoursocialskills.com emphasizes the importance of good questions:

“When you invite your partner to share in this way, something powerful happens. Not only does inviting your partner to share help the conversation to flow, but it also gives you an opportunity to show your partner that you are interested in them.”

Letting someone know that you are there for them and are willing to help them get through is a great balm.

3.) Extend Help

No matter how difficult life is sometimes, people with sorrows to deal with can’t always express their need for help. Most often, people who deal with loss find it hard to do even small tasks. A great way to comfort a grieving friend is to extend help. Even the smallest actions such as cleaning their lawn, walking their dog, cooking a meal for them, babysitting their kids, or dropping by to talk can be a source of comfort. Who knows, by simply doing these things, you may have already become an answer to your friend’s prayer.

4.) Respect their Privacy.

It may be hard to believe for some, but when someone says “I just want to be alone,” they probably truly mean it. From my experience, I learned that alone time was necessary. I was able to work through my grief, and eventually, find peace of mind. If your friend wants to be alone, you can still offer gestures that they will appreciate like praying for them, or sending a thoughtful note. Although they may prefer to spend some time alone, they will eventually need company. How great it is for them to know someone is there when they’re ready to face the world again!

I know every one of us has to experience grief for great reasons. My gratitude for friends who listened, quietly served, and extended love to my husband and I is indescribable. They are indeed walking angels here on earth. My heartfelt prayers to the Lord were answered through them.

President Spencer W. Kimball once said,

“God does notice us, and He watches over us. But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs.” (Small Acts of Service, Ensign, 1974)

Yes, trying times will come to people around us and there will be moments when you feel like saying “I do not know how to ease their pain!” Of course, we do not all have the power to do that. But, there are ways we can comfort someone suffering from loss. And if we’re motivated by love and concern, we can extend peace, we can be their walking angels here on earth.

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June 2009

On the very fist day of school, attending a new school was a daunting experience for me. I neither had any idea of the campus nor the classes I would be in until I met Chaelyn Albances.

She was the first person who made me feel at home in my new school. We clicked well and fast. Because we loved to talk about random things, it was inevitable when she asked questions about my faith. One particular question that stood out was, “Do Mormons have problems? You always look so happy as if you don’t have any major concerns.”

Although she was genuinely curious about my beliefs and my life as a Mormon, I was hesitant to ask the LDS missionaries to her home since it could make our friendship awkward. But, there was something about Chaelyn that told me that she was ready to hear the message. It took couple years after when I requested the missionaries to visit her.

August 2011

Eight months after that first appointment, Chaelyn was baptized in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. On that beautiful afternoon, I saw how she glowed with radiance. Her willingness to learn the gospel of Jesus Christ helped her overcome the challenges towards this greater commitment – baptism. I witnessed her grow as she finished reading the Book of Mormon and became satisfied from the answers she received from the book. The Lord knows that she can do marvelous things in building His Kingdom on this Earth. This was the day I embraced the feeling we came from seatmates to sisters for eternity

Feb 26, 2014

My wedding day was very special to me as I was sealed to my eternal partner and witnessed Chaelyn’s first time in the temple. “There is a special spirit in the Temples of the Church and I am grateful to be given the chance to feel it,” was how she described her feeling inside the Holy place.

Our friendship has been a source of inspiration as we shared goals together in building each other up to be better daughters of God.

August 28, 2015

A little over 4 years after her baptism, Chaelyn was called to serve in Idaho Pocatello Mission. This woman who also looked for truth is now the one who is bringing it to others. Looking back, I feel grateful that the Lord used me as His instrument for Chaelyn. I remember the song “I’ll Find You My Friend” from this experience. I can testify that I found her!

From my last conversation with her, she said:

The Savior doesn’t count how many rejections we receive but He counts how many souls we bring to His fold. He doesn’t care who you will bring, for every soul is great in His sight! NO effort is wasted. Jesus Christ died for all of us and so repentance is REAL! I love this work. Missionary work is the best!

I still cannot describe the feelings that come to me every time I think of my experience sharing the gospel with Chaelyn. More than anything, I am grateful that I did and that the Lord gave me the opportunity to serve a young woman who was bound to do wonders for Him. Let us find those opportunities to inspire our own friend and we may someday begin our stories from being seatmates to friends for eternity.

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In the book of Luke is an account of a man sick of palsy cured by Jesus. What makes this account so precious, aside from the miracle that Jesus performed in curing this man, are the men or friends who brought the sick man to Jesus. The account reads:

18 And, behold, men brought in a bed a man which was taken with a palsy: and they sought means to bring him in, and to lay him before him.

19 And when they could not find by what way they might bring him in because of the multitude, they went upon the housetop, and let him down through the tiling with his couch into the midst before Jesus (Luke 5).

The story ends with the sick man being healed by Jesus Christ, arising from his couch and departing to his house. I salute the men who brought him in through the housetops. Righteous friends do not give up when the entrance is blocked or when obstacles are eminent. Their actions are a manifestation of their love and concern for the well-being of the sick man. It may not be explicitly stated in this account that these men are the sick man’s friends, but I think I can say with surety that they are. How joyful it must have been for them when they saw the sick man being healed.

Perhaps there is little possibility of such an event happening in our lives, being brought in through the rooftops while we are sick. However, there are many experiences that can be likened to it—experiences pertaining to our spiritual well-being. There are times when we feel spiritually weak and our perception on a lot of things is unclear. We feel lost and we do not know where we should be headed. In this situation, we become like the sick man—weak and unable to act. At these points in our lives—where do we think our friends will take us? In such moments, our choice of friends can determine where we go, to the Savior or towards other remedies the world may have to offer.

On the other hand, we can liken ourselves to the men or friends who brought the sick man in. These righteous friends are the people we definitely want to become—loving, kind, persistent, never giving up on people we hold dear and having the faith required for our sick friends to be healed by the Great Healer of all.

Let us surround ourselves with friends who will help take us to Christ and let us be that kind of friend to others.

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Some may say that this pursuit is mostly leaning towards men and this is a shared responsibility and pursuit. The question is, “are we putting our best efforts on the relevant things that will help us thrive in this pursuit?” Or have we overlooked the fact that men think differently? I know that many of us, in one way or another, wished to read what’s going through a man’s head on this matter. Well, consider this read as a wish coming true. Here are nuggets of wisdom from faithful single adult men for all of us single adult women.

Mark Henry Thomas

• Don’t take rejections personally. When someone isn’t feeling it and they tell you they aren’t interested in pursuing a relationship, it’s not your fault. You are good enough. You are beautiful enough. Rejection is about fit and circumstance. We don’t all fit and sometimes life circumstances simply prevent someone’s heart from being open.
• Be honest. Men are not good at guessing. We struggle with subtle cues. Sometimes you need to take courage and say what’s on your mind and in your heart. We’ll listen and we’ll understand.
• Most men think pornography is disgusting, just like you do. Even if a man is struggling with it, he likely wants to stop. Be brave and discuss this with him. If it’s your issue, be even braver and discuss it. Porn kills love. Secrecy breeds even darker problems. Be open. Talk about it. It’s going to be a constant threat in dating so face it head on together.

Ephraim Driz

• Scatter sunshine.
• Don’t downplay your influence because oftentimes we draw inspiration from you.
• We are observant of what you do kahit hindi mo pansin.

Daniel Bullock

• Be modest, dress modestly for your date. It will keep you both in the right mindset, help prevent temptation and build a relationship that you can take to the temple.
• Remember that you are not perfect, nor will the men you date be perfect. We are dating for potential not perfection, this applies to yourself as well don’t be too critical of others or of yourself. Talk about goals, dreams and difficulties in your lives to gain a better understanding what you both want and expect in life.
• Make service a habit in dating. Plan dates and activities where you can serve together side by side. It’s easy to talk and get to know each other and see how their attitude towards service and their work ethic. It’s good to know who you might be yoked with in life and how they are when the yoke gets heavy.

Fotu Misa Jr.

• Don’t always say “no” sa mga single adult men who ask you out on a date. Ang date ay hindi nangangahulugang kailangang mong mainlove sa lalaki at hindi rin ibig saihin na inlove na ang lalaki sayo. Say yes. Forget what your friends think and just do it. Kilalanin mo siya at kung hindi ka interesado na makipagrelasyon then politely say no so you can both move on.
• Please ladies—super gusto naming makitang modest kayo. Wag niyong ibaba ang standards niyo para magaya niyo ang mga artista because most of them dress up for the world. Your audience in mind when you dress up must be God and His priesthood holders.
• We love your smile. Smile lagi. Kahit wala kang reason para magsmile, smile pa rin. Mas may chance ka to be asked out on a date. Hence it goes a long way!

Peder McOmber

• I want to know that your testimony is strong. And that you are comfortable enough with me to talk about serious gospel topics so that if one of us struggles with our testimonies we can help each other.
• Wow me with your actions not just your words. I want to see how you’ll act every day and how you’ll keep the relationship progressing not just as a girlfriend but as a wife, or mother. I want to see how you handle adversity and screw ups. If you have a past that has some bumps does it negatively affect you now? Do you know how to forgive others and yourself and move on? Do you understand the atonement enough?
• Have fun! Don’t worry or stress. You are gorgeous every one. So enjoy life and don’t let the stupid little things bring you down.

Along with these wonderful words, I want to add Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s powerful remarks, “In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor.” (“How Do I Love Thee?” New Era, Oct. 2003)

There is much more wisdom that I know most single adult men want to tell single sisters. Seek this wisdom from them and I know they would be most happy to share what they think. We may not agree to all of them and it is okay. However, may we agree firmly on a common ground on modesty, chastity and moral purity because these principles will help us have wholesome dating experiences. May we always have the courage to stand for what we know is right and may our thoughts in whatever circumstance we are front, point heavenward.

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I remember Elder Robert D. Hales talk from a general conference “The track that leads to marriage passes through the terrain called dating!” Yes dating is the key to success, i mean key to be married. I know your dilemmas about dating. Dating sometimes makes us single adults tend to be pressured which hindi talaga dapat. Dito sa Pinas pag sinabing date e kasal agad ang next. One thing I’ve learned sa class ko sa institute na Dating, Courtship and Marriage is dating happens first before courtship. This is a common misconception dito sa bansa natin ng mga young single adults- ligaw muna bago date. Sa Strength for the Youth manual sinabi dun na dating can help you learn and practice social skills, develop friendships, have wholesome fun, and eventually find an eternal companion. It means no pressure. Friendship muna. I found this wonderful talk about dating sa lds.org, “Dating: A Time to Become Best Friends” by Jonn Claybaugh. All brothers that I’ve dated after mission became one of my closest friends. I remember my first ever real date after mission, i had so much fun. We set goals that our dates should be fun and smooth. That’s how a date supposed to be. If it is fun, you tend to be your real self. Dating is not just about getting to know each other, it is also a process of getting to know of yourself. You will know what kind of person you really want and you’re going to marry.

Yup! I know again your next dilemma, “wala nga nag aask ng date sakin?” at 99.99% mga sisters ang nagsasabi nito. Next question would be “are you doing your part?” Yes, as sisters we should do our part too. Our part is to engage ourselves to the activities where our dear brothers will see our potentials. The church creates so many activities for us to have more acquaintances and have more friends that will best lead to dates and marriages.

One more reason I commonly hear is “busy ako e. walang time” Well here is Elder Donald L Hallstrom’s answer for you. “Leading a balanced life is difficult for many,” he said. “There is not an exact pattern for everyone, and even our own blueprint may change during different phases of our life. However, seeking balance—giving adequate time and effort to each of those things that really matter—is vital to our success in mortal probation. There are certain fundamental responsibilities we cannot neglect without serious consequence.” Go back to our Heavenly Father’s plan and remember your purpose in this life.

Being single is a fun thing. Imagine, you can go on dates as much as you want where you’ll be able to meet people and new friends. But always remember, your goal in dating is to look for a potential eternal companion and not just to hang out. Hanging out with someone is different from dating. Fulfill Heavenly Father’s plan. Regalo mo na ngayong pasko sa sarili mo ang humanap ng date and set goal to marry in the temple. Heavenly Father will definitely help you with this righteous desire. He gave His only Begotten Son for us to be happy and our only way to find happiness in this life is to have a family here on earth through the gospel.

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